The Truths of "The Secret"

I just finished reading an article on the CNN web site about the the phenomenon of The Secret DVD and book series. The complaint by some therapists and other experts was that the book promoted a "blame the victim" mentality and does not look at the roles of free will and action on the part of the individual.

I was at my friend Shari's house a couple of months ago and watched the DVD with a couple of her other girlfriends. I'm not a big self-help kind of person or one who by most standards would be considered mystical or spiritual. But I actually saw a great deal of truth that I do apply to my own life in "The Secret."

As many of you already have read, my nephew Andrew will attend American Idol Camp and the Dance Theatre of Harlem Summer Intensive in July and August. The Idol Camp was a very competitive situation in that only 700 kids out of thousands of applicants have been accepted. In Andrew' case, there was the additional need for a scholarship to cover the $3,000 cost.

An interesting -- and to me, puzzling -- question kept coming up, especially by the producers of The Today Show: Did Andrew and I really believe that he could rise to the top and be accepted to the camp? This, to me, said more about the mindset of the producers than it did about the reality of getting into the camp. I think part of what made Andrew and me successful in this venture was our unwavering belief that there was no reason why he couldn't be the 700th camper -- if not No. 1. The success was two-fold. It rested on Andrew's talent and experience, of which we already had proof, and my abilities as a writing coach who has been extremely successful in obtaining grants, fellowships and awards for myself and others. In other words, our success was, indeed, a combination of belief and action.

When I told my friend Leslie about the camp, she remarked that everything I touch turns to gold. My mother and others have made similar remarks. It's funny, but I know it's not really that way. Though I may have a high success rate, the law of averages dictates that some of my quests will be unsuccessful. And in most instances, I, like most people, don't broadcast my failures. I also don't dwell on them long enough to remember what most of them are. I just move on to the next goal.

The most important part of The Secret is understanding that we all have some extraordinary, marketable abilities. The vision, of which The Secret speaks, is in my opinion should be coupled with perseverance. If people can't envision freedom or wealth or happiness, they hardly will be able to take the steps to achieve these goals.

I didn't really see how The Secret blames the victim, but I do believe that our ability to achieve our desires rests only with ourselves. For many "victims" their worst enemies often are themselves, and shifting to a positive outlook can change not only how they feel but also their rate of personal success.

Catching Up On Our Lives

It's been quite a while since I've written here, but we have had a lot going on. The funeral for Andrew's mother was quite sad. He seems to be OK, but that, of course, is a wound that will never heal. Though the prospects of him ever living with her were slim to none, I think what really died was his hope. Fortunately, he has a lot of really interesting things to which he can look forward.

Roland and Alex are at Springhill Camp near Seymour. It's a really beautiful place. This is Roland's first sleep-away camp experience, so he was REALLY excited. It was like Christmas. He got up early and kept asking when we would leave, but check-in wasn't till 3 p.m. The camp itself was gorgeous and huge. There was a lot of really cool -- but dangerous -- stuff like the zipline and rock climbing wall. The really cool thing was the boys were taken to their housing, which looked like a Mongolian yurt, in an antique fire truck. Heck, Jeff said we should have let the kids go home and stay ourselves!

Instead, I took Jeff out for Father's Day to the new Brazilian Grill restaurant. It definitely was no Fogo de Chao or Rei do Gado. My caiparinha, a traditional rum-based drink, was the best I've ever had, but it was down hill from there. The salad bar was far too small and the price far too high for this city and what was offered. The cheese bread should have been more like a popover but was too heavy, more like a biscuit. I think I'm spoiled. Every churrascaria restaurant -- at least five -- I've been to has been great till now. This restaurant will do for now, but when one of the other chains makes it here, the Brazilian Grill will be blown out of the water.

The Dark Side of Fortune

All of the great things that happened for Andrew over the past several weeks just turned bittersweet. We received the awful news today that Andrew's mother was found dead at home. It seems so much for a boy of 12 to digest.

I was awakened today by his father. Feeling annoyed, I said, "Someone better have died." I don't think I'll ever approach anything that way again.

I'm not a religious person, but I've always figured there was a reason this boy and I were thrown together. When he was little, his father used to call at times that decent people were asleep, crying that he missed my nephew Christopher, his oldest son. Originally, he wanted Christopher to be named after him, but he called me once and declared triumphantly that he'd had another son who was bestowed with his name. I couldn't have cared less. I never figured I'd see this boy. Three years ago, that same child came to live with me.

In April, I had to go to a dinner for the Midwest fellows of the Arthur F. Burns program. At least, I thought at the time that visit to Chicago was about me. I suggested that the Andrews come along so the little one could visit with his mother. I'd been to Chicago before but always was uncomfortable taking Andrew there because I have no legal rights to this child. So this time, I told his dad to come along -- and to bring the guardianship papers with him.

Andrew drove to the westside Chicago basement apartment where the little one's mother lived. We hadn't told the child or his mother about the plan until we already were on the road. We pulled up to the Victorian where a diminutive woman waited anxiously on the sidewalk to see the child who'd disappeared from her life three years earlier. We couldn't open the sliding door to our Odyssey quickly enough. I entered the apartment to change clothes, then Andrew drove me to the Stock Exchange where I was to have dinner at Everest. While I broke bread with this group of strangers, Andrew visited with his mother and other family, eating the fried chicken they offered.

It's got to be more than coincidence that on that day, I was spirited to Chicago. I did my fellowship 10 years ago, and though the program officials keep in close contact with us, I haven't participated in any dinners or programs since they sent me to Germany. Likewise, Andrew hadn't seen his mother once since he'd come to live with me. Yet each of these events converged, and a little more than a month later, his mother is gone.

It's been suggested to me that Mary's death will bring closure to that chapter of Andrew's life. But can one ever really close the book on his parents? Both of my parents are still alive. But I've seen many people damaged by the loss of their parents or by the parents' inability to fulfill the child's vision.

Fortunately, Andrew's mother caught a glimpse of what he's destined to become. She saw him on The Today Show, and she heard about his plans for the summer. Now Andrew must deliver on the promise that his mother saw.

Out of deference to Andrew, The Today Show has postponed airing an update on Andrew's offer from the Dance Theatre of Harlem.

So You Think You Run the Show

Tonight I watched auditions for the competition program So You Think You Can Dance. As with all these programs, there are people who for some inexplicable reason believe that even though they have no formal training, they can compete with people who do. There also are some people who have formal training but no talent. What's worse is that many of these wannabes waste time quibbling with the judges. These "dancers" can't understand why Lythgoe gets the last word. Well, let me explain: He's the one with the money for the show, and he's the one who gets to decide how it's spent.

Nigel Lythgoe, judge and co-producer for the show, vowed he wouldn't be cruel to contestants this year. In the past, he's told some who auditioned that they had no future in dance, and to some who claimed to be teachers, he said it was a disservice to the students. As much as it hurts, he's right. If no one has the courage to stand up and tell these poor deluded souls the truth, they will continue to spend time, energy and money on a fruitless effort. And as the mother of several ballet students, I must say it is unfair for parents who don't know better to continue seeking the services of people without an ability to teach.

Lythgoe and American Idol's Simon Cowell, both of whom are British, serve the same function on their respective programs. Neither likely intends to be mean, just practical. What one must understand, is in other parts of the world, it's perfectly OK, and in fact expected to mete out and receive constructive criticism. This is how people can become better at what they do. In the United States, however, we're afraid to correct one another and say it's rude. We'd rather allow someone to spin his wheels unnecessarily. As a judge, however, Lythgoe is expected to give -- and should be respected for -- his opinions.

During last season's American Idol auditions, at least one, if not more, contestants lamented that Cowell wasn't qualified to judge what was acceptable to Americans because he wasn't and should return to England. They questioned his credentials, as some have done in the past, and no doubt this season, with Lythgoe. Without going into their backgrounds here, suffice it to say that both men are fully qualified to pass judgment in their respective fields.

In Lythgoe's case, there's another reason he's qualified: he's one of the men with the money. As a co-producer, he's responsible to either chipping in himself or finding investors for the television program. Either way, this is a business, and it's expected to deliver a decent return to the investors. So when Lythgoe says that someone won't make it as a dancer, what he's saying is that this person has little to no possibility of developing marketable skills in the area of dance. What he isn't saying in so many words, is that he has a sense both of what he finds marketable and what other producers will find marketable. And as long as they are putting up the money and taking the risk, they have every right to decide who has the skills to move on.

Of course, there's the outside possibility that one could become a William Hung. But Cowell and Lythgoe aren't in the business of ferreting out potentially successful novelty acts. Yes, there can be a breakout performer, but the financial risk here would be even greater than with a competent entertainer. I assume, however, that most of these contestants want to be take seriously and really aren't keen on building careers through buffoonery.

The beauty of being in America is that if we don't agree, we can become producers ourselves. We always have the option of putting our money where our mouths are and developing an act. We can pay for the venue, staff and marketing. And it's even possible that if we can prove there is an audience and earning potential, Lythgoe might back the show.

Thanks to G-Unity

I received a phone call from Nina Biggars at American Idol Camp delivering the news that G-Unity, the foundation established by rapper 50 Cent, will cover the costs for Andrew's stay in New York while he attends the Dance Theatre of Harlem's Summer Intensive. The original offer from DTH was for the tuition only. There was about $1,800 in housing and other costs that needed to be covered.

I'd like to extend a special thank you to Nina for going far above and beyond the call of duty. Everything having to do with DTH is beyond the scope of her work with Idol Camp. I also want to note the generosity of the Idol Camp officials as a whole. Last, but not least, I'd like to thank G-Unity for giving a leg up to a special boy as he reaches for the stars.

I also just received word that the great news about DTH and G-Unity will be announced Monday about 9:20 a.m. on The Today Show.